September 4, 2012
4:00 AM
Okay, so up at 4:00 AM because I can't sleep and need to actually put in a bit of time doing school work before I actually go into work. I am determined to no longer let my love life issues force me to call out sick, plus it looks like I have excellent students this year, despite the ineffectiviness of where I work. But that is another thing in my future....must change career as well as love life.
Anyhow, just remembered that I started blog ages ago and never did a damn thing with it, so I decided to start writing in it as a coping mechanism to deal with my break-up.
This is not going to be a general rant about what a douchebag my ex is. Although he can be and I am going to have as limited contact with him as possible. As we have been back and forth and both royally fucked up, I have to take the blame. However, after yesterday, I FINALLY realize after 2 years, that he and I are not meant to be and I am ready to move forward with no more tears. But I am determined not to get into the bad habits that I normally get into in a break-up, which include: extensive partying, drunk dailing, and hooking-up with hot younger men.
So what to be instead? Well, up at 4AM, blogging and watching Bridget Jones' Diary for inspiration. So yeah, this is a place to tell the truth about me. Obviously will lose weight and begin to eat healthier instead of eating crap or not eating because Mark use to cook for me all the time. In order to lose weight one must exercise, so I checked the weather and the gods don't seem to be on my side with this one, rain is in the forecast for the week. Great, that means sweating in the smelly gym when I would rather walk the beach. Going to take my shorts and sneakers to work and hope for the best. Even if it's sprinkling, I'm going to the beach.
Also have to mail bills today andgo to the bank. What a gripping life I lead LOL. The highlight of my day will probably be talking to my kids and my best friend who is even more screwed up than I am LOL.
Anyway Mark(who will from now on be know as DB, short for douchbag and I FINALLY ended things after we hit an impass 2 months ago, but we continued to idiotically hang on and ignore and think that things would go back to normal. I finally told him yesterday that it was my way or the highway. He made the choice to say goodbye this time. Unfortunately, I still have to see him at least twice more. Once to give him money as he gave me money until I get paid, and because I agreed to allow him to see my granddaughter as they have a tight bond. The last thing he texted me when I left was " I will be missing you". My reply "too bad, your choice". Should have left it that way, but later drunk texted , "I rescind my apology for all the hurt that I caused you. You deserve it." Dumb move.
Obviously deleted his number, of course I have it committed to memory, but at least if I am tempted to text I have to actaully dial and hopefully that will give me the incentive, not to text. But it is more will power and determination.
My latest thing is that I need to tell the truth. I will I told this other guy who has been wanting me that I still love Mark and that I can't hang with him. I will no longer settle for fuckwits. Also, going to forget internet dating and beleive that if I change my life and do good, that good will come to me. So, I need to set some goals for me:
1. Get my finances in order.
2. Research alternative career in dental hygiene
3. Be a better friend to people
4. Be a better mother
5. Focus on the positives and stop being a negative Nelly.
6. Be HONEST
My main plan not to think about DB is to exhaust myself and go to bed early, so work, work out, home cook, keep up with lesson plans and correct and bed by 9PM daily. And blog eveyday.
Some positive things that I have done thus far are. Put away his pctures, not cried, and have deleted all fuckwits numbers. , I will however slop around in his T-shirts as I like them a lot LOL. AnywaY positive thought for the day is this : " I trust in the process of life". Only happy and fun music will play in my car and home as well.
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